Lifelines in the Dark Night (Cocoon)
Metamorphosis: “A transformation, such as one performed by magic. A noticeable change in character, appearance, function or condition.”
Metamorphosis: “A transformation, such as one performed by magic.
A noticeable change in character, appearance, function or condition.”
When I was doing some research on the process of caterpillar-to-butterfly, I found this video that made me tear up as I witnessed the struggle. When caterpillar goes into her hibernation stage, she turns into complete mush. In other words, caterpillar does not simply grow a couple wings to achieve her transformation into a butterfly. She first dies a slow death, turning into a lifeless, formless “soup.” This puddle of disorganized, protein-rich cells is food for the brand new being miraculously coming forth from the darkness, rubble and devastation.
A few other observations: The caterpillar appears to be programmed with some inner signaling when it is time to go into the dark. There is surely no premonition about what lies ahead as she attaches her silk anchor, or I doubt the caterpillar would ever willingly or consciously head into the slaughterhouse. Secondly, once you go in, the only way out is through. You can’t escape becoming soup; instead you are at the mercy of the gods or whomever has preprogrammed your death and rebirth. But once the process is over — and no one can say how long this will take — what a miracle that the once dirt-slogging, slow-moving, leaf eater has now resurrected into a completely different being that can flit about through the powder blue skies in search of rich, sweet nectar from an unlimited selection of colorful, fragrant flowers.
Important takeaway: We don’t have to do anything (nor can we do anything) in the resting state of the cocoon. Whatever comes of it is done to us.
Why in the world would the Universe randomly create such a profound process, unless it was here to reflect and teach us about our own life-death-life cycle. This cycle that we experience many times during our lifetime and likely beyond is also called the order-disorder-reorder process (Rohr).
There is nothing glamorous, compelling, or comfortable about being reduced from a purposeful, munching caterpillar to a formless, seemingly hopeless puddle of goo. Despite entering into a dormant, restful stage, it’s a struggle to get there. The solo journey into the dark is painfully lonely and destabilizing. It’s doubtful from the inside that anything good could come of the desolation and nothingness of the cocoon. It requires some kind of heroic faith that something good is happening even when all hope appears to be gone.
I remember my days not too long ago as a caterpillar, eating up all the new insights I could get my hands on in preparation for some kind of transformation journey. In those days I felt pretty sure of myself and my trust in God’s goodness and good plan for this world. But along the way in the past few years, the struggle began. Darkness closed in. I had nowhere to go but inside. Truth be told, I’m still in here, hoping, waiting for something good to come out of this unspecified length of a dying process within myself.
Amid my long season of silence, people frequently ask me, “Julie, what do you believe now?” I always evade the question with, “It’s complicated,” or “I’ll have to get back to you on that.” I have so few beliefs that I would hang my hat on these days, because the more I learn, the more obscure the “truth” becomes. I mean, isn’t this how an infinitely complex, unplumbable universe should seem to us as we progress? I feel right on schedule with the realization that the more I learn, the less I know for certain. These days I tell people, If you really want to pursue truth, get comfortable with living in questions. Also, get used to the fact that truth changes or morphs as you change. It feels like a kaleidoscope. As it turns, the same colors keep rearranging themselves into new patterns.
Anchored Onto A Few Truths
Before we get to the good stuff, I wanted to make a short list of certain beliefs that I’ve been holding onto in my dark night. These truths are not necessarily self-evident, yet these are my anchors of hope. Descriptions are brief, because they’re not really what this blog is about. However, they will undoubtedly come up from time to time when they are relevant to my struggles.
“God” is good and ultimately has a good plan for all. In the end, Love wins. Please understand, this is thee most challenging (and challenged) belief I possess right now. It has been questioned to my core and is a lot of the reason for my dark night struggle. As The Story grows more and more complex in my awareness, I feel more insecure about this belief. But faith that is not challenged is not faith at all. So I cling to my hope in this truth.
Purpose. Since completely rejecting hell and any kind of eternal punishment, I was compelled to reevaluate the human purpose and path. I fully believe that we are here to learn by experience and ultimately to learn how to love all beings. This is the trajectory of transformation, where everyone participates and no one is lost. I’m here in the now moment to ask, who am I here to help or to show love to? Who is here to help me on my path toward Love? The answer to this question may come in surprising or difficult packages because the person charged with helping me in my transformation journey is just as likely to be an antagonist as a protagonist. These are the difficult people we are stuck with who are here to help us learn how to forgive and overcome something difficult. In other words: I believe that our villains are likely our heroes in disguise. More on this later.
In light of my novel understanding of our villains, I don’t believe in karmic debt. It completely undermines and contradicts the beauty and finality of grace and the necessary purposes we hold with each other to help with our mutual transformation journeys.
You don’t need a Bible. The Bible is nice and inspiring, but it’s not necessary for transformation. Millions of loving, altruistic people throughout history did not have a Bible to teach them how to be a good person or how to “get to heaven.” None of the Old Testament heroes of the faith had a Bible. The Kingdom (reign) of God is within. The spirit will teach you all things… In addition, the Bible should never be understood or applied literally except when it’s telling us to love people, do good to those in need, and do no harm. The literalists are often the “pharisees” in our world, the dualistic, moral police who throw stones instead of breaking bread or extending olive branches.
“God” is both above and beyond creation and also bound up within and through it. From Jewish tradition, I believe in the transcendent aspect of God and the immanent aspect of God. The transcendent God is the already perfect God, the Divine Will, the Creative Intelligence outside time and space; while the immanent God is the God becoming perfect through us, bound up in time and space as all of us. People often try to say that God is one or the other (outside, beyond us vs. inside, with us) but for many reasons, God surely must be both.
I don’t use the word “God” anymore. A lot of people get hung up on this when I refer to “the Universe” or “Divine Source.” They get offended as if “God” is the only word you can use to refer to a supreme, divine Being. It’s so ridiculous to quibble over such a thing. The word God is an adjective that means simply, divine. While we’re on the topic, God is not a male or a “he.” In fact, the oldest traditions are of the Creative Force being a Divine Feminine Creatrix.
I believe in a collaborative universe full of helpers, angels, and guides. We’ve seen evidence of this with great teachers, with Jesus, with angelic assistance (I’ve personally had at least 4–5 convincing angelic-intervention experiences), and through many narratives of the heroes of the faith. How could it be any other way? This is why we’re all here, for the sake of helping each other along our transformational path through a collective Body of beings past and present. This is how the Transcendent God manifests as Immanence — by working through all of the divinity-infused aspects of itself (e.g. people). Much like all the parts of your body, down to the sub-cellular level, work together for the good of the whole.
I believe in my Higher Self, which is really just a “future,” more advanced/experienced version of myself existing outside of time, available to assist me in my questions and struggles. This can be considered one of my guides.
I believe that The Story is completely different than what we thought. Almost nothing we believe with certainty today is true, as most of what we believe about ourselves and our origins is contrived information by those in power who enslave us by withholding crucial information about our origin and power. There is prolific evidence of a whole history of our world that we know nothing about!
I believe in a greater reality and worldview that supersedes evil and good. More on this later.
“Free” will is a fallacy. I do believe in the biblical concept of allotment; in that we are each given a sphere of influence and a set amount of power and autonomy — like being dealt a hand of cards. Within our sphere of allotted power and influence we are able to make limited choices in how to use those resources, much like the parable of the 10 talents. I didn’t choose to be born in the dysfunctional family I was born into. I didn’t choose to grow up in the wild spaces of Wyoming. I didn’t choose to be shaped by a fear-based, trauma-inducing church. I didn’t choose the time of my birth which has a profound bearing influence on my life and personality. Endless preset circumstances in my life gave me limited choices on how to choose and proceed. Therefore, we are not living on a level playing field. We don’t all have the same opportunities, advantages, and resources. If we did, the Deity could more ethically hold us accountable to outcomes.
Having said that, I don’t believe that we are victims. I do believe in the Law of Attraction to a point, in that our thoughts and especially our feelings can and do attract certain vibrations in the form of opportunities or roadblocks to us. However, the Universe frequently superimposes both protections against things not intended for our greatest good and also brings better vibrations and circumstances to us than what we brought to ourselves. In other words, the Universe is a buffer and still maps out our greatest path for transformation in spite of ourselves. This is grace in action.
I believe that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have and what they know at this point. Which is why we need time for this transformation journey to unfurl for each of us. “As in Adam (becoming human/humanity) all die, so in Christ (the anointing into our resurrected higher self) all will be made alive, but each in his/her own season” (1 Cor. 15:22–23).
And finally, you’re wondering, what about Jesus? What do I believe about him? You will find out in the next post (planning for Monday).
Happy New Year!