Marriage
When Steve and I got married twenty-two years ago, we agreed, “Let’s not have any regrets at the end of our lives…let’s create a very…
When Steve and I got married twenty-two years ago, we agreed, “Let’s not have any regrets at the end of our lives…let’s create a very special, above average life together! Let’s live from our hearts and create things. Let’s venture on the edge — give our grandkids something to marvel about!”
For the most part, we have absolutely done this! We have had so many inspiring, mind-blowing experiences together, and really, our miracle-infused love story set the tone for this. I could literally fill a book (and someday I will) with all the Divine guidance and supernatural events we have witnessed throughout our soul-expanding adventure together.
But there is a very common and maybe expected trajectory of a 20+ year marriage. It’s easy to get into a rhythm of not appreciating each other the way we used to, or getting into grooves of less than becoming attitudes and behaviors (e.g. button-pushing), resulting in personal or relational stagnancy. Even though we were still having many wonderful experiences together, we had fallen into a too familiar place in our marriage. Having said that, neither of us were looking for anything new or different. Nobody was wishing to stray or have a mid-life crisis (though he did playfully accuse me of this after the fact). It’s just an honest look at where we were at in the spring of 2019.
When my new relationship situation started to unfold, nobody was more surprised than me. It all happened so innocently (more on that later). But I went to Steve at the first inkling that this woman was pulling at my heartstrings and told him, “This wild Alaskan lady that I’ve been getting to know through letters…I have some extraordinarily inexplicable attraction to her. Obviously, you know I’ve never been attracted to a woman in my whole life (except remember that little crush I had on Alicia Keys on The Voice?). But I def have a girl crush!”
Steve thought it was cute, me having a crush on a girl. He told me he was chill with me continuing to talk to her in order to figure out what I was feeling. We were both pretty certain it wasn’t going to lead to anything. My feelings were generally playful and curious. It didn’t feel like our whole lives were going to change forever. I didn’t even think I was capable of loving a woman. But here I was having strange cosmic attraction to a woman who felt like my spiritual and emotional twin.
A few weeks later, I went back to him again and said, “If you’re concerned about me developing real, deep feelings of romantic love for her, it’s almost too late. You better tell me now if you’re not okay with this. My feelings are growing quickly. It’s confusing. I feel like I can’t resist the intense magnetism between us.”
He thought about it almost off-handedly. He is not the possessive type, and he has always supported my becoming journey and self-expansion pursuits. He could see that I was tapping into uncharted territory within myself, what I might or might not be capable of, and he didn’t want to hold me back or try to control me. He told me, “You have my support if you want to go down this path. We don’t know where it’s going to lead or what the consequences will be, but I’m willing to support your desire to explore this.” My feelings for him grew exponentially when I saw how selfless and generous he was with my curiosity. He believed that because of our shared history and proven love for each other, that nothing would replace the specific connection that I had with him.
At this time, neither of us were able to look ahead or count the cost of what the outcome would be. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. Having never been romantically involved with a woman in my life and also being happily married, I figured it would soon fizzle out as she and I continued to get to know each other. It’s hard enough to find ONE soulmate in this lifetime, and surely this new relationship would not be as great as it seemed. I kept telling myself that it was just infatuation that would fade, probably sooner than later.
An interesting backdrop to our situation: a few years earlier my nephew announced to the family that he was polyamorous. At that time, we had no idea what that meant so we asked for him to enlighten us and began our research. He basically said that there is a growing number of people in our world who realize that the monogamous relationship model is not for everyone and that there is a principled alternative. There are people who are choosing consensual, ethical nonmonogamy, which means that nobody is cheating on anyone, but they are finding their own way of loving whom they want and how they want with honesty and integrity. This looks quite different for every relationship, as it is the people involved in the relationship who set the rules or guidelines that they need for safety, security, and emotional connection. Many books have been written on this in recent years. One we came across that is a fantastic resource is More Than Two: An Ethical Guide to Polyamory.
Polyamory is not just about sex, as many people assume. The premise is that humans are (obviously) capable of loving more than one person at a time and that includes romantic love. Even as parents, we know that child number two does not threaten or diminish our love for child number one; rather the heart expands. In addition, there is a spectrum of love feelings we have for the different people in our lives. For some people, exploring this capability can actually enrich their lives and relationships because they do not have to rely solely on one person for all their emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, and sexual needs. When you think about it, it’s quite unreasonable to depend on one person to meet all of our relational needs — especially as we change exponentially over decades — and can create a lot of disappointed hopes and expectations. Though some people are good at meeting their own needs that are overlooked by their current partner, others benefit greatly from the diverse benefits brought about by the bountiful, well-rounded love of more than one.
On this topic, I have since tried to isolate “romantic love.” When do love feelings in any given relationship become accompanied by sexual attraction and the desire for physical intimacy? It is very difficult to try to quantify or differentiate the love we feel for different people or why we have (or don’t have) romantic and/or sexual feelings for people. Several people have asked me along the way, “Why did you have to have a romantic relationship with her? Why not just settle for a friendship?” I cannot explain to anyone why the emotional intimacy I embodied for her felt overwhelmingly romantic and was not just friendly.
A while after my nephew told us about his relationship (it took us a few years to really grasp the concept without misinterpretation and maybe even some judgment), we came across a podcaster, Aubrey Marcus, who was experimenting with an open relationship with his fiancé, Whitney. Steve was especially captivated by the struggle and complications of their story while trying to learn to share each other, navigate all kinds of egoic challenges, and increase their EQ (emotional intelligence). We often discussed their latest lessons, observations, and emotional travails while walking around our neighborhood in the evenings. As Aubrey and Whitney progressed through the five years of trialing an open relationship, they spilled the vulnerable details in pursuit of self-improvement while hoping their experience could benefit others. Aubrey was eventually so overwhelmed by jealousy that it sabotaged the relationship. He was so masterful at describing his inner turmoil that we both agonized over his painful struggle.
We loved the concepts and what they were working toward, as it sounded so very advanced in the arena of selfless love. We realized that such an experiment could really bring about a lot of pain and challenge, but it could also bring about important character development and a lot of new horizons. We contemplated such an experiment for ourselves, but we felt that at our age and stage of life, it would be too much work. We dropped the discussion and moved on with our lives, not really giving it another thought.
But what happened through those two encounters was that a door was opened in our consciousness. We were given an alternative in love that we might never have thought of on our own, based on our social programming. It gave us a reference point when new love came crashing into my life — to know that people can do this, and some can even do it well. Just because you fall in love with someone besides your spouse does not have to negate the love and history you’ve built together if you are both willing to navigate it together.
I want to reiterate that monogamy is wonderful and (currently) the only viable option for most people based on many factors such as personality, culture, stage of life, religious beliefs, and opportunity. I’m not suggesting that to be nonmonogamous or polyamorous is an elevated or more arrived way to do relationships. But what I am saying is that it is a viable option for people who either don’t fit into a monogamous framework or who find themselves in a love conundrum.
So now you know where this is going. Steve is, by nature, more suited to the notion of polyamory than most people, including myself (I am a double Aries and tend to be quite territorial). He doesn’t really have a jealous bone in his body, so he decided to encourage my expanding heart rather than clamping down and causing hurt. Besides, it was a delicate situation as love can’t be controlled. If he tried to control me or give me an ultimatum, there was the realization that we both stood to lose something precious. Ultimately, he would be pitting himself and my other love against each other, which would have made me have to choose. I think that would have destroyed me due to the strong magnetism and deep love I have for both of them. It also would have caused deep hurt for her too (I know some of you might be thinking she didn’t deserve to have the love of a married woman, but I will address this later). Steve acted in the most selfless, wise, and truly loving manner in choosing a universe where there is plenty of love to go around and no competition or shortage. In this, I believe he saved three lives and futures, and I will always be grateful for this. Had the roles been reversed, I would surely not have been as generous and mature. It brings me to tears just writing this and reliving his sacrifice for my happiness. Later I will explore some of the difficulties he faced in the earlier adjustment period.
Thoughts on Monogamy
Our predominant monogamous marriage model is a one-size-fits-all approach (instituted by the Church and regulated by the State, of all things), yet humanity is as diverse and unique as are snowflakes. Even the Bible and many past and present cultures feature diverse relationship models that fit the times and needs of the people. We are living in unique times today that call for a thoughtful reevaluation of our collective emotional development and readiness for a renewed approach to relationships.
Steve and I have had frequent conversations about how much baggage and guilt we carry around surrounding sex and relationships from our very conservative Evangelical Christian upbringing and indoctrination. In fact, living in my head for the past three years has been like having my own personal debate team. Some voices in my head (parts of my old self) judged my current self with guilt that felt suspiciously religious in nature, while other voices expressed elation and joy at having found such a rare gem in this world and the freedom to pursue my heart’s desire. I’ve frequently felt like a cyclone of many conflicting emotions.
As time goes by and I’m getting more comfortable in my skin again, I’m realizing how much two partners are contributing to my inner growth and betterment. They both bring gifts and personality traits to the table that challenge me in completely different ways. They each have keys to my heart from a different angle. For example, Steve has given me a great season of stability and self-realization that she could not have helped me with. On the other hand, I have been able to unearth some serious childhood trauma and heart blocks with her help that Steve could not help me with. And they both have brought about exponential growth opportunity for healing my security needs after a traumatic childhood — each in their own unique ways. Steve has more recently verbalized his experience of great benefits as well. I will let him tell his own story, but his life is opening up in surprising ways that are helping him to also grow.
Please hear me, I’m not suggesting that everyone go out searching for another love, because it involves a lot of energy, emotional stamina, and complexity. But allowing ourselves the possibility of loving more than one person who happens to come into our life organically solves the conundrum of ending a marriage or stepping out if both partners can allow themselves to be honest and not to be threatened.
This is by far one of the hardest and one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever done in my life. Both of the people I love are incredible, compassionate, fun, adventurous, emotionally mature, loving, passionate human beings; I can’t even imagine my life without either of them. Thank God I didn’t have to choose. My heart would have been completely torn in two.
I’m not certain about anything on the other side of the veil, but I truly feel that both of these loves are somehow old comrades or part of my “soul pod” who came to help me through my darkness. As you will learn about more in future writings, my inner child is deeply broken by things I experienced from my formative years, what Richard Rohr refers to as a “broken axis.” I greatly need the love gifts they both have brought to me in order to heal and become the fearless, transformed person that the universe intended me to be.
I’m so thankful that Steve was willing to try this. He is the most beautiful human being I could ever imagine growing old with. We’ve navigated a lot of complex struggles in the last three years, about which I’m going to continue to process with you. But ultimately, we asked ourselves all the hard questions about our relationship and we came out the other side with the firm realization that we still deeply love and need each other, and still have so many beautiful things in common. In a word, Steve is still my Perfect Fit. I love him more today than ever. He has been the best life partner I could ever dream of.
And now, I leave you with this recent response from my soul brother, Joe Lindsey❤️:
Whether this is temporary or not, remember this;
You can regret past mistakes.
You can regret hurting someone.
You can regret being hurt or misunderstood.
Just, never — ever regret loving someone.