Remember That Time We Opened Our Marriage?

My Post-Religious Love Journey into Adultery (and Wholeness)

This week my husband’s potential love interest asked him to get an STD test before they meet up later this summer. My husband. The “lily-white missionary kid” who was a virgin when we met at age 32, and who then scored a 4/100 on The Purity Test (with 3/100 being a Mother Teresa). I wrote all about his impeccably clean moral slate in our original sweet, synchronous love story, The Perfect Fit: Piecing Together True Love.

And now look at us! All these new developments because we mutually decided to open our marriage six years ago to accommodate my accidental falling in love with a woman. This was not a love that could be easily ignored or redirected. She had a powerful purpose in my life that would prove to catapult me into a deep (and necessary) transformational period lasting several years. Some might call her a “game-changer.” I knew when I fell in love with her that I didn’t want to be put in a position to choose, because my love for her felt cosmic, and extremely magnetic. While at the same time, my love for Steve was equally cosmic, safe, deep, and with a lot of years of meaningful history together. Thankfully I was already stationed with an expansive soul who recognized that this was indeed a special circumstance.

At that time though, I became the fall guy—at least to some friends and family members who, to this day, have still have not warmed up to the idea. We had just barely learned the term polyamory from my nephew and were relieved to find out that, just because I fell in love with someone else, didn’t negate or diminish everything we had built together or how we felt about each other. We were offered an inclusive alternative—practically five minutes before we needed it—where we could still be together, loving each other as we had already been doing for 20 years. But…there would be growing pains and unintended consequences. You really can’t plan for these things. Isn’t that what makes life so exciting?

In case you’re wondering, this is not a blog entry about sex; it’s about a journey of self-discovery and continued healing after religious programming. It’s about what I’m learning through more expansive relationship models that, in my old judgy, stuffy, fear-mongering, shaming Christian worldview, I also would have snubbed prolifically. Yet here I am, evolving as a conscious, loving human in powerful ways. Truthfully, I couldn’t feel happier or more fulfilled.

I won’t lie though. It was especially challenging for the first couple years, trying to navigate the complicated dynamics and unexpected heavy emotions. The new complexities that disrupted our marriage pattern could certainly all be blamed on me. He was sort of left in the dust for a while during the “new relationship energy” phase (which never really ended), and he sometimes sought sympathy from friends and family (and from sympathetic single women) about how I was so unfair and selfish to ask such a thing of him. Initially, his complaints were legitimate. However, eventually he began capitalizing on the same privileges and life got more interesting for him.

We ask ourselves now, do we have any regrets? Would we have done it differently? Has the road been too hard? Are we now going to hell? 😂 If you’d asked us these questions too soon, we might have said “YES!” But we now look in each other’s eyes and unequivocally agree that we are both satisfied with how our lives have expanded and blossomed. We would not change a thing.

Questioning the Trad Christian Relationship Model
Is one mate for life or relational monogamy the ideal model for all people at all stages of life? Based on my own experiences and those I have witnessed with others, I would say, not necessarily. The traditional “till death do us part” model does not account for the needs, growth, and prolific changes that arise during the evolution of the human soul. But the programming runs deep and is difficult to challenge.

Back in the days of my devotion to a conservative Christian worldview, I remember the warnings: If you get out of fellowship or start wandering away from The Path (as if there was only one path amid the expansive, diverse, limitless Universe), your soul is in grave danger. Leaving the fold will surely lead you down a slippery slope into licentiousness and debauchery (whatever those are), unabated lusts, depravity, and, God forbid, sexual immorality—all as defined by WE, the clergy and religious scholars who are unquestioningly the world authorities on morality and truth.

I guess they were right because within a few years of abandoning weekly church services and Bible reading, I could (awkwardly) throw cuss words around when I felt like it, dabble with taboo substances on occasion, and even be open to new relational and sexual experiences. Such heresy!

After straying from Christian orthodoxy, I became a full blown adulteress for the second time in my life (albeit with my husband’s full consent). For religious folks, it didn’t matter that, while I was becoming a legit Christian heretic in every way, I also became more loving, inclusive, and serving of humanity—more like Jesus, you might say! For them, though, the part about being “more loving” was beside the point. [It should be noted that the original meaning of the word “heretic” in the original Greek means, able to choose.]

Among the pecking order of sins in Christianity, adultery (along with “sexual immorality”) seems right up there with blasphemy. Adultery, it is no surprise, is a Latin word. It originated during the Dark Ages—when the early Catholic Church was forming all of the strict moral doctrines and purity codes that would control the subsequent masses of Catholics and Christians for nearly a millennia and a half with guilt, shame, and sexual trauma. This ensured full coffers, due to having to pay indulgences (or later “tithes and offerings”) for the forgiveness of sins—or at least the alleviation of guilt. It’s important to note that “sexual immorality” is a creation of Bible translators and does not occur literally or qualitatively in the Greek text—a phenomenon that can be easily discerned with a Greek-English Interlinear Bible study alongside a Greek Septuagint (Old Testament).

It should be noted in the etymology screenshot below, it was initially considered adultery and perversion to have sex with one’s spouse for reasons other than procreation. Perhaps this is how the Catholic Church ensured a secure future of tight control as one of the earth’s primary religions through prolific offspring (have lots of sex without the forbidden birth control, make lots of good Catholic conformist babies). If not to produce prolific offspring, married couples might only get to have sex a couple times in their lives!

If only we’d used a little more critical thinking and open inquiry in our old days of religious indoctrination (for example, looking up the origin of religious words used heavily in Bible text to shame and control), we could have saved ourselves years of recovery and therapy due to the insurmountable mental and spiritual baggage.

Some of you already know my story. I’ve been in a 25-year committed marriage to Steve, my second husband and by far the most talented, open-hearted, and loving man I’ve ever met. We are like two kids who grew up (and woke up) together in religion, walking each other home. At the same time, I have been in a six-year relationship with a woman named Marita, also one of the kindest, sweetest, most generous humans I’ve ever met. Marita, an unconditionally loving soul with a lot of nurturing mother-energy, was undoubtedly sent into my life to help me re-member and heal my painful childhood in ways no one else could possibly do. I have detailed the developments and bragged about both of my partners previously, so feel free to get caught up to speed.

The truth is, I’ve been ultra lucky in love. Like, won-the-lottery lucky. I’ve experienced two amazing, supportive, loyal, emotionally healthy, and secure partners who I believe will likely be in my life in some capacity until one of us takes our last breath. I know just how difficult it is to locate such quality, aligned people who also happen to be a good fit—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—so I am grateful daily.

As many of you know, I sometimes reference my budding astrology knowledge since beginning to study it professionally. This lucky in love aspect is in my natal chart—Jupiter, the planet of good luck and expansion is located in my 7^th house of partnerships. I will likely never be without amazing, loving, high quality partners. What a beautiful stroke of luck juxtaposed to my lonely childhood!

Having said that, there are a lot of significant changes in my relationships this year. This was miraculously “predicted” in my chart through rare, life-altering transits that mirror what is actually happening (for those who want to know: Uranus, the planet of sudden change, is shaking up the status quo across my north node of destiny in the 7^th house of partnerships). Another layer of growth is unfolding as my partners both feel the need for soul expansion in their own ways. I am in the process of learning how to not latch onto the childhood abandonment narrative (which could attract abandonment).

Steve’s “big three” astrology signs (the predominant influences on his personality) are all in the element of air (as opposed to fire, water, earth). Think of air. It is constantly moving, changing, wafting, drifting—trying to get a solid plan out of an air sign is like trying to pin down a cloud. It’s a miracle he has been so able and willing to be in a committed, long-term relationship because that is somewhat antithetical to his nature.

Right on schedule, as my relationship-upsetting transit energies moved into the scene, Steve announced this spring that he would like more relational experiences in life to continue growing and evolving into his happiest and most fulfilled self. This has led to a lot of talks, tears, and letting go for both of us. At least letting go of our old patterns and dynamics, or expectations. We decided together that, since we still love each other deeply, we do not want to let go of each other completely or the dream we are building here in Puerto Rico. But we realized through days and days of talking it out, we both need opportunities to keep expanding.

[Book an insightful, applied astrology session with me to learn your life lesson, life purpose, and current meaningful transits! I’m offering 75-minute readings for $50 for the first five lucky peeps. Near future readings will be $200!]🔥💥💫🌠

Self-understanding and growth can most efficiently be accomplished through relationship (and astrology😍 ). The people in our lives, especially intimate partners, are like distinct mirrors. They each elicit character traits, reactions, and behaviors—both good and challenging—and then reflect them back to us. We are often unconscious of these facets of ourselves outside of that particular relationship (unless we have strong, repeating patterns or dysfunctions in all relationships). Different people can also unleash dormant qualities, gifts, and abilities within us that we might not have discovered without their help.

Steve helped me uncover radical capabilities, confidence, and creative gifts through the years by reflecting them back to me and supporting my pursuit of a professional writing career, and later a nursing career path that required our separation for 15 months while I was in school two states away. Under his TLC, I blossomed as a human in ways I didn’t know I was capable. In fact, he was crucial in most of the ways I expanded throughout my 30s and 40s, including deconstructing religion.

Marita and I are also undergoing impactful changes that I will describe when the time is right. Equally, I have experienced exponential growth through this relationship. Through our dynamics, Marita slowly brought to light an unconscious core wound tied to my childhood, evidenced by emerging false beliefs surrounding love being unsafe, unreliable, and scarce (here, here, and here). I also had deep (previously unconscious) painful feelings of being insignificant, unseen, or left out. As our relationship deepened, I began experiencing extreme fears of heart vulnerability, often tempting me to run away. I was intrigued and curious as to why she had such a powerful effect of drawing out such intense, uncomfortable emotions. I realized there was work to be done.

I began to realize that throughout my previous relationships, I always held myself back due to my deep-seated fear of being abandoned. This fear had been reinforced throughout my life from my mother, then my first husband, and then my sister. My belief was that if I loved anything too much, it would leave, so best to reserve a significant portion of my heart from feeling or being attached. The problem was that I met someone who made me want to let the drawbridge down because I desperately wanted her love. It was a terrible conundrum for a long time—risk my heart and know this kind of deep, risky vulnerability and the intoxicating feeling of being completely seen or, would I continue to protect myself and never know the kind of heart intimacy being offered? I was reminded of my favorite poem by Kahlil Gibran, “On Love.” Here are a few selected lines:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you, yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your
tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots
and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness
and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh,
but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears.
But if you love and must needs have
desires, let these be your desires:
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
and give thanks for another day of loving.

Oh, man. I did not want either option. But I hung in there through a lot of transformational pain and discomfort. And I grew.

Love: Multiplication or Division?
As I mentioned, one of my biggest obstacles to trusting love was the belief and fear that love is limited or scarce, or diminishes across numbers. To this day, this is still something I’m working through with my inner child. It should be obvious that, as a mother of two children, love expands and multiplies as the need arises. But childhood wounds aren’t logical.

Rationally, I can see that life is abundant and yearns to expand. Trees and plants produce hundreds or thousands of seeds to extend their reach and foster new life. Cells divide in order to multiply (such a profound thought) to create a human. So even in division, you can’t contain the expanding life force there. Life is ever assuring us that goodness is expanding and cannot be stopped. I am sure, logically speaking, that love is the same. But the heart does not understand logics. It understands feelings. And I still struggle to feel consistently that love does not fail, or that it will not fail me again, or that when my partners want to expand their hearts in other directions, that it will not threaten their love for me.

I have come to realize that there is only one way to find out that there is such a thing as love that does not leave. That is to allow myself to be put in situations where this is tested. This forced exposure has been somewhat agonizing. But there is no other way to eradicate this fear—face it, which is my unfortunate style of overcoming my worst fears. Ideally, I can heal this deep wound through conscious, loving partners as they find other loves yet don’t abandon me. I can also lean into the expansiveness of love through also being open to new loves and discovering that it does not threaten the love I have for my existing partners.

I made a friend recently who practices the “lovership” model of relationships, which has really expanded my thinking. She enters into conscious, loving, soul-invigorating relationships (not hookups) with people to whom she is attracted and allows the love to flow or go. There is no ownership, no possessiveness. She stays as long as she is growing and the relationship feels alive and expansive. I am giving that model a lot of thought for my future.

But there is actually a greater lesson that I’m learning through it all, and that I have blogged about this year. The greatest security available to me is in finding home within, becoming my inner child’s own mother, and no longer abandoning myself. When I outsource love, belonging, significance, etc., to someone else, I abandon myself. I have learned this spring that I am now to be my own mother, I am to be my own lover. When I show up for myself, love myself, stay with myself, and I don’t try to pin the job of self-love on someone else, that is when I can finally find home and stability within myself. Sounds more obvious than it is!

Love is ever expanding, unlimited. I often remind myself that there is more than enough love to go around. No matter how many friends, or children, or grandchildren, or lovers that I welcome into my heart, my heart will expand and make room. I can trust that this is also true for my expansive-hearted loves that I have allowed into my heart space. Love is limitless. I am limitless.

Why Expand in Love?
For some people, being with one person for your whole life might be perfectly perfect….safe, comfortable, comforting, and even full of growth opportunities. But for others of us, we continue to learn hidden things about ourselves that have not been integrated, or we learn expansive things about ourselves that increase our confidence, belief in ourselves, and capacity to love. We are more inclined to overcome wounds, expand our thinking, and learn ultimately that love can be a canopy that grows with us. There is no bottom of the well. This is the great mystery and magic of love. You can’t get ahead of it, or contain it. It is always growing exponentially ahead of all relationships.