Who Am I Now?
“No man steps in a river twice, for it’s not the same river and it’s not the same man.” — Heraclitus, Greek philosopher born in 544 B.C.
“No man steps in a river twice, for it’s not the same river and it’s not the same man.” — Heraclitus, Greek philosopher born in 544 B.C.
After several years of not writing about my inner progress, I have goals this coming year of finding my voice again. It feels invigorating to think about shining my light, putting my heart out there and processing my current experiences with you. And it feels hard…and scary.
For the past two and a half years, I have tried so many times to write publicly about this whirling, topsy-turvy inner landscape, but many obstacles have prevented me from doing so. First, I’ve had so many complex, contrasting, confusing changes in such a short amount of time that it’s frequently hard to process or articulate my feelings about them. Beyond that, I’ve been afraid. Afraid to be real. Afraid of my painful, insecure feelings and paralyzing doubts. Afraid of trusting myself to know when to speak and when to be silent. Afraid of where my unconventional decisions are leading me. Afraid that you, my beloved friend and reader, won’t be able to relate to or accept my heartfelt struggles, my unresolved questions, or my unusual path that has brought me to where I’m at today. And even more than protecting myself, I’ve been reticent to have any shadows cast on the message of my beloved works on the topic of hell.
I’m also afraid of how my struggles might affect you. I highly value the trust relationship we’ve developed over the past many years. You’ve reached out on many occasions to encourage me and show your love for me. I love and care about you. I care about how difficult and confusing this time in history is for all of us. It is not my desire to lead you, my friend, into any kind of darkness, doubt, or despair.
Having said that, my spiritual quest in this lifetime appears to be about tackling and dismantling all fear — on behalf of myself and others — in order to pursue conscientiously responsible, all-encompassing freedom and creative empowerment. Each time I think I’ve found the last, most crippling layer of fear, yet another one looms behind it, often larger or more daunting than the one before.
Back in 2009, when I discovered that the doctrine of hell was utterly false, and yet how it had wound tentacles of fear and false beliefs into almost every area of my life, I was led on a quest to overcome it all. At last, I thought, I’m really free! Surely hell is the most foundational fear I could possibly unearth and now I can relax! I was so happy. I felt light as a feather and as if I was privy to the most empowering, inspiring secrets of the Universe. It felt as if nothing could ever be sad, scary, or disempowering again!
But then other hidden patterns of fear began to erupt over time. I remember how paralyzing was my fear of failure in my nursing education and new profession as an ER nurse. Besides the fact that I never in a million years envisioned that I would become a nurse (the Universe made me do it), perhaps the fear stemmed from formative experiences where I struggled to comprehend advanced math and science concepts, coupled with the reality that I could potentially cause a life altering injury or death to someone with the wrong intervention or due to lack of experience. Also, I had a terrible fear of looking stupid or incompetent to the doctors and other medical professionals I worked with. At the time, I was going through physical changes in my body and had terrible brain fog along with word recall issues. I remember conversations with doctors where I would have difficulty recalling simple words in nearly every sentence and I could barely stammer out what I was trying to communicate! It took a full five years of no mishaps and earning the respect of all my peers before I felt somewhat comfortable, but even then, I still often went in to work a ball of nerves. I will say, looking back, I’m glad the Universe made me do it. You could practically fill an ocean with all that I learned about myself and what I’m capable of that I would never have otherwise known. I seriously marvel at what I’ve been able to assimilate and accomplish that I didn’t even know was in there. And my diverse nursing knowledge and research skills are sort of useful these days too.
Since then, other layers of unexpected experiences and fears have surfaced. I thought to myself, maybe these new challenging developments are like a short stretch of rough waters in the river of life and I won’t be compelled to write about them. Maybe all of these dark turbid experiences will turn into calm, clear waters where everything suddenly makes sense again. But months turned into years of waiting for light and understanding. Finally, a few weeks ago, I decided I was ready to open up and share because I know that, even though it’s risky, it may also offer many rewards. Namely, connection with others and some level of healing or possibly gathering up the parts of me that still feel lost.
Who am I now?
A crystal-clear, untainted river leaves the high country to meander and flow toward the sea. When it arrives at the sea, is it still the same river? Yes and no. The pure elemental water in the river is the one experiencing and responding to its environment. Its borders ebb with drought and overflow with rain; its temperature, depth, and composition fluctuate from all environmental influences along the way such as diverse soils, sunlight, air quality, pollutants, wildlife, plant life, human interference — all of these affect dramatic and lasting change upon the river as it makes its journey to the sea. When it arrives, it is not recognizable as the same body water that left the mountains, but yet it still has all the memory and essence of its original self in addition to everything it learned about life along the way. (An interesting parallel, recent science has demonstrated that water actually does contain memory).
My life has changed dramatically in recent years. I’m still me — the same unchanged essence/ unique soul flowing through life that I was created to be and have always been. The girl that still loves collecting rocks that grab my attention everywhere I go (Steve “strongly encourages” me to pare down my collection each time we move but I’m convinced my rocks have souls and personalities, that they chose me as much as I them, and therefore, they are part of the family); I’m still the girl who loves taking pictures of every flower, bird, tree, and unique cloud formation (Steve teases me, “for Pete’s sake, how many cloud pictures does a person need?!”). The girl who loves stirring up trouble for outdated, false, fear-inducing religious doctrines. The one who is bonkers in being outspoken against all the evil powers in our current times who are trying to control, disempower, divide, and harm the human species. The girl who can be aggravatingly self-centered and endearingly selfless all in the same day. On so many points, I’m like a walking contradiction who is completely unpredictable, even to myself (more scenarios on that later).
I am The One, moment by moment, experiencing the eternal now, where now is all I have. I am doing my best to be true to the me of this exciting and yet uncertain now moment, because it’s the only thing I can and must do. And while I’m still the same me that you have come to know through the years, I’m also very different because I have been deeply affected by my experiences.
Next, I want to take a couple entries to share with you where some of those experiences have brought me today in my spiritual framework, or my current basis of beliefs from which I operate my life and life choices. These beliefs are always negotiable, loosely held, and transitioning as newer information or perspectives come to light, but I’d like to share what I’ve brought forth from the ashes of my old faith.