If Only I Hadn't...

Undoing the Sin of Regret

Regrets. We’ve all had them at one time or another. Recently a visitor to our Puerto Rico mountain retreat said, “If only I hadn’t given away my ten bitcoins to that charity a few years ago.” 😰 😭 Oh jeez. I felt his regret (bitcoin hit an all time high of $109,000 per coin this week)!

Here have been some of my regrets through the years:

· If only I’d hadn’t grown up in that family, I wouldn’t have so many demons to overcome and maybe I would be more well-adjusted to this lifetime.

· If only I hadn’t been raised in fundamentalist Christianity, I’d be a much more open-hearted, stable, and liberated human.

· If only I hadn’t had an affair in my first marriage trying to solve my loneliness problems, I wouldn’t have suffered so much remorse and loss.

· If only I knew then what I know now, I could likely have helped my mom cure her cancer, and I would be developmentally miles ahead of where I’m at now.

· If only I had developed some stronger mental control during the past five years, I could have saved myself a lot of grief, fear, depression and, ultimately, lost time.

· If only I had established better boundaries for myself and others, I could have maintained my autonomy and creative power.

What are your if onlys? If only ___________ (fill in the blank). I’m sure you have them.

I actually quit having regrets more than a decade ago, after I came to see how exponential was my growth through “mistakes.” Mis-take…mis-took…as in, I took a path that wasn’t optimal but look how much I learned from that particular path! I realized that I learned far more from mis-takes than I ever did from takes—you know, takes, those times when I took the “right” path the first time.

When you think about it, the “right” path or the “right” anything is arbitrary and cannot be determined anyhow. Any path other than the one we took does not exist. And what we deem as the right path or right decision is merely one without perceivable negative consequences, but that doesn’t necessarily make it a better soul growth option or an objectively better choice. We can’t ever know.

If you are a Libra or a Gemini reading along right now, please don’t curl up in the fetal position due to being presented with information that may further paralyze your prominent indecisive nature. 😰🥰 (3/3 of my adult long-term relationships have been with Gemini sun-Libra moon signs—if you have insight of why I did this to myself, please get in touch.)

Back to the holographic, slippery nature of determining right or wrong paths. One example I can think of from my life demonstrates how you can’t know for sure. After college back in the day (no need to focus on numbers here), I was married to my high school sweetheart, the first of the Gemini-Libra pattern. I remember barely coping amid the -40 degree arctic blasts typical of a Wyoming winter, when I suddenly had a tremendous urge to move to south Florida. This gripping desire came upon me while looking at pictures of the long stretches of white sandy beaches next to turquoise waves along the gulf coast. Who wouldn’t be enchanted by notions of hot, sunny, exotic beaches under such duress? I coaxed him to move there shortly after he finished school, and so we did.

Siesta Key, where I played volleyball, walked untold miles, and snorkeled in my 20s.

For eight years we lived in the Venice/Sarasota area on the southwest coast. Those were some of the best—and some of the worst—years of my life.

We were just out of college, carrying the usual load of post-college debt and both working for less than minimum wage while trying to make our way in the world of the senior citizen rich folk (southwest Florida in those days was inundated with wealthy retired people from the north). For the first five years, we barely scraped by, living paycheck to paycheck. On rare occasions, we’d eat out at a local restaurant where we could always count on the reminder of injustice in this world. A sign would surely be posted on the door, “Seniors 20% discount.” Those “Seniors” drove up in their Cadillacs and Mercedes, sporting flashy gold and diamonds, to enjoy their 20% discount, while those of us living on macaroni and cheese and working in low paying service jobs, were expected to pay full price.

I was exponentially lonely in those years. My husband at the time worked an average of 72 hours per week, trying to get his PGA golf professional certification so he could become a club pro. For some reason, to get into that field required a brutal loss of self and values in order to become successful. I often resisted his desire to go into that profession, worried that it would ruin our marriage and our family with the hours and the lifestyle. And eventually, it did.

In my early twenties, I had no idea who I was or what I wanted in life. I often felt completely lost and unable to deal with my shadow self. It was in those days that I have written about how I felt like a salesman who didn’t believe in my own products (and here)—in other words, my devout Christian faith wasn’t working for me. I felt deep anguish and hopelessness for my deep-seated struggles and it seemed that my pleas for help fell on deaf ears. The skies were silent.

It was in those years, especially after the birth of my first daughter, that I started facing significant character deficiencies that were born out of my early childhood wounding from an abusive father and a neglectful mother. The self-loathing from the inability to control my anger only increased my anger to the point of rage. I had no idea how to change or heal those lost parts of myself. Apparently God didn’t either.

How then, you ask, were they some of the best years? I loved the free therapy of the ocean and spent as much time there as possible. Also, getting so far away from my parents gave me the space to begin processing my childhood, and to start becoming my own free agent outside of their control. I was able to start seeing myself—who was Julie outside of all of these formative, shaping influences of my native state, town, family, and peer groups? Those years felt like waking up from a dream. I grew up in those eight years, becoming an independent, self-sufficient adult mother of two beautiful, loving daughters. Also, being away from my father, I started to find my voice and my power that would be the catalyst to familial and religious freedom in the coming years.

Yes, these were the years that set me up for my inner healing journey and my personal trek out of the whitewashed tombs of religion. This is when the lights began to shine in the dark places, showing me my wounding, guiding me into my necessary ego death so I could be successfully initiated into the second half of life. This is when the futility and emptiness of many false, mundane, disempowering Christian teachings began to show their true colors. It was a terribly painful time, but also an absolutely necessary time if I didn’t want to stay stuck in the same imprisoned false identity.

Those awful years of feeling the most alone a person could ever feel held beautiful gifts through death and rebirth into a new vessel that would be able to contain greater mysteries, deeper truths, and a fuller, more authentic life. Had I not gone through those years, I would not have written Raising Hell: Christianity’s Most Controversial Doctrine Put Under Fire, and I would not be here right now, able to use my journey to encourage others.

Had you asked me then, was moving to Florida the right decision? I think I still would have affirmed that it was a better choice for me than staying in Wyoming, but I had no idea how the challenges would shape my life into a much better version of myself. Looking back, it was exactly the place I needed to be for transformation, even though it was such a difficult time. I am now grateful for those years and how they set me up for spiritual and emotional liberation.

Why regret misses the point (and the mark).
When it comes to the human growth journey, if onlys are completely unhelpful and even counterproductive. Why? Because a different choice or a different outcome doesn’t exist. We make the choices we do in the moment because at that time, it is the best and only decision we can make with what we know and where we are at in our consciousness development. We needed each decision along the way to either push us forward, or to show us where we were still in process of being made ready to move forward.

For example. The past five years, I was in a dark night of the soul, completely due to my own choices. I didn’t know it was my own choices at the time, however, because I didn’t know that I had other choices available. Unconsciously, I had donned a victim mentality. As pain surfaced, I thought that my parents caused it, or that my partner caused it, or that the Universe was making me suffer through another identity death just for the fun of it. It’s only come into my awareness slowly over the past year that, in fact, I did all of this to myself. How? Primarily through three mental avenues:

#1. Fear.
We’ve probably all heard the acronym, “False Evidence Appearing Real.” I feel like most of my life, I’ve been on a mission to eradicate the layers of gripping fears that have plagued me. I can’t even begin to tell you all of them: fear of dying young, fear of dogs, fear of spiders, fear of public speaking, fear of being abandoned, fear of needing someone, fear of my dad, fear of bullies, fear of killing someone accidentally (nursing). Fear of God. Yeah, that was a big one.

These were real, agonizing, lose sleep over fears! Recently, I’ve started reading A Course in Miracles (ACIM), just because I can and because I’m curious. I’ve always wanted to know what is so special about this text. A few pages in, we start addressing fear in some really profound ways.

“Only your mind can produce fear.
Know first that this is fear.
Fear arises from lack of Love.
The only remedy for lack of Love is Perfect Love.
Perfect Love is the Atonement (At-One-Ment).
Atonement is the undoing of the world of fear and the return to Love. It is awakening from the dream of separation, taking back projection, and restoring the condition of wholeness. …Heaven was has been here all the time, we just weren’t seeing it. When you are tired of seeing a pained and tormented world (especially the one inside myself), you will see a healed world. Then the Atonement will be accomplished” (ACIM, pp. 26-31).

This realization hit me for the first time. I create fear, 100%, in my mind. Nobody else can make me afraid of anything, only me, myself, and I. Wow. What a lot of responsibility! But also, what a lot of freedom! To think that my fears are in my control is a game-changer. It becomes, then, about developing tight mental control, and feeding my mind with courageous thoughts instead of fearful thoughts.

I think the biggest epiphany there is that fear is energy, it has no real substance, no embodiment. It only has power through thought.

#2. Assigning my power to someone or something outside of myself.
Throughout all the years of emotional suffering, I often assigned causation to my parents, to my partners, to my childhood, and to God. “It’s somebody else’s fault that I have these struggles and can’t seem to overcome them. If they would meet my needs the way I want them met, then I would be okay.” I was trying to control my outer world to ease the anxiety and deficiency of my inner world, which is futile. Blaming others for my suffering was rendering myself a victim. But then one day, I discovered that no adult who has the power to choose (which is almost all of us) need stay a victim. We can shift our inner world and become a victor.

Again, power is an inside job. Nobody can take your power (the only exception is when you are a child or not cognitively intact and you are not sufficiently developed/conscious enough to know you have power or agency). You are a divine, sovereign Being in your own right. Your power is yours until you (mentally) let someone else have it. But you can take your power back through a simple shift of your mind—in an instant. I know this because I did this with my father. After decades of allowing him to have power over me, practically overnight I took it back and I could tell the shift was real. My whole being felt rejuvenated, stronger, more comfortable in my skin literally overnight.

In ACIM it says, “You cannot isolate something (or someone) outside yourself as the source of your good or sorrow and remain at peace with yourself. …That special someone you have been looking for is you.

…My salvation comes from me.”

It’s both scary and thrilling to know that we carry THAT MUCH responsibility for ourselves. For those of us who want someone else to be responsible for our rescue or salvation, it’s terrifying. For those of us who are committed to knowing that we have everything we need inside of us to change our lives, we are pursuing the purest form of empowerment that exists. I don’t have to wait for anyone to save me from my life circumstances. With a shift of perspective, I know that I am here to save myself.

I am the most powerful guru of my own life.

#3 Transference of my deepest (inner child) needs onto someone else.
I’ve written a bit about my healing journey through my childhood wounds becoming conscious in the recent years. Just a few years ago, I didn’t even believe in an inner child—until mine started throwing major disruptive tantrums over triggers in a new relationship. Since then, I’ve learned that we humans carry all versions of our previous selves inside us and they all have voices—our inner child, our teenager, our young adult, etc. It’s the child and the teenager who were particularly vulnerable and still are likely to act out when they are triggered by an event in our now lives—until we help them overcome these triggers.

I also didn’t know that I could reparent my inner child. What a novel thought. When my inner child gets triggered or scared by something that reminds her of early traumatic experiences, I imaginatively can coax her onto my lap, listen to her cry, and talk her through her fear, reminding her that we have made a long journey together and we now have the tools (and each other) to take care of ourselves that we didn’t have when she was so young and walking alone. I can hold her, let her cry, let her scream, and let her feel seen. We all need to be able to do this, because we all likely have triggers that scare our inner children.

Reparenting my inner child has been the easiest thing to do considering how deep her fears. It didn’t take that much effort or time. She just needed to have a voice, and to be heard, and consoled, and reminded that she is not alone anymore.

The Only Way Out is Through
These three mental habits contributed to that Dark Night, and it was hard, and scary, and life upsetting. But guess what? I needed to experience exactly ALL of those things, exactly the way I experienced them, in order to transform those same things within myself. Had I taken some kind of brilliant shortcut to enlightenment six years ago, nothing inside me would have faced the darkness or allowed the deaths required in order to grow, heal, and transform into a better version of myself.

In other words, if I didn’t hit rock bottom, as they say in AA, through the futility of my own created fears, transference, and self-inflicted powerlessness, I would keep repeating these painful patterns whenever I encountered a triggering event in a given situation or relationship.

I “wandered around the wilderness” for six years, which is exponentially better than 40 years (in Exodus this trip through the wilderness normally took eleven days on foot, with the point being that we wander as long as we need to wander until we’re ready for freedom and abundance). So yeah, six years—and a lot of tears—to finally come into my power and into the perspectives that actually healed me in those deep places.

Looking back, I have no regrets. Sure, it was six years—maybe 6%—of my precious now life that I can’t get back. I resisted the lessons with all my might for at least five of those years because I didn’t want to take responsibility for my suffering. It felt like it would never end—that I would be stuck in fear and pain forever. But now I wouldn't trade one day of that season because I will never have to experience those losses or those fears again. That pain, unique to several decades of my life journey, is over—for good. It took the pain and the struggle (and the time, which is an illusion anyhow) for those lessons of empowerment and liberation to seep down into the depths of me, rather than remaining at a surface intellectual understanding.

In the scope of an eternal Being’s lifespan, I’d say six years was nothing more than a little blip on the screen.

Who can say if it is good or bad?
Who can say that any fork in the road you’ve ever taken was the “right” or “wrong” choice? The path you took is the path you took—and even needed—at that point in time. There was no other choice or decision you would or could have made differently. It led to who you are and where you are at today. You are a soul on an intentional, meaningful journey who, if you are patient enough, will see how all of your choices and all of your paths were perfectly orchestrated for your greatest good. To think of it any other way would be “missing the mark” and, perhaps, refusing to see the great potential and blessing of your choices. I think we would call that a sin.

Like pruning back a sick plant, these seasons of the crumbling of the false, culturally programmed identity structure (ego) are meant for our flourishing—for our release from inner prisons. Then, the new, lasting growth emerges that is more aligned with our higher, inner Soul Being.

And that’s really the whole point of “Earth School.” We came here for the explicit challenge of overcoming constructs of fear and our false perception of separation (from God and each other) in all of the forms they take through each of our life Stories. In fact, it’s been said that the greatest illusion you will ever face in this dense Earth realm is the illusion of separation—which is really where fear originates. Each of these painful transformation seasons in our lives results in the removing of more obstacles to our knowing of Who We Are as Divine I AM Sparks, microcosms of the macrocosm.

Recently, everything has shifted for me on this Spiral of Becoming. Everything. I’m a different person than I was even three months ago. Even my outer form is reflecting the changes happening inside. As my life force returns, I am getting to a healthier and fitter version of myself than I have been in a few years.

When I was in the middle of the dark night, I felt like it could not possibly be worth any outcome. But now that I am through the birth canal, I can say that it was definitely worth it. The newfound sense of well being, the mental liberty, the spiritual connectedness, the physical vitality. All. Worth. It.

In summary: Every single thing we go through in our lives is the exact thing we need to become who we are meant to be. There is no use regretting any decision you’ve ever made because there’s really no such thing as any other decision. There are no mistakes. You needed every lesson, every decision, every denial of your power, every unhealthy relationship, every moment of living in fear. They were all leading you out of your own spiritual wilderness and into the promised land where you will not be so easily disoriented or “lost” ever again.